I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
