haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
