We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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