We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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