whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
