A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
