God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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