Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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