I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
