I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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