she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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