All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
