The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
