Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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