My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
