Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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