I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
