just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
