the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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