I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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