I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
