Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
