the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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