rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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