I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize