I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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