i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
