: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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