Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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