I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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