im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
