Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
