i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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