So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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