I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
