The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
