I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
