my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize