Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize