then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
