I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
