I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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