get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
