Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
