Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
