i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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