I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
