i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
