Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize