god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
