I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
