dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
