I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
