You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We left an ass print on the piano.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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