Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
