"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
